i will be updating my website soon. this whole grey and orange scheme thing will change. the whole thing will change. i guarantee.

um... happy birthday sean biggerstaff and happy saint patrick's day!

The past week has been a very educational week. Here's why:

1. It's been proven time and again, that when I am deeply hurt/distressed, my poetic juices really drip. I've never written so much "meaningful" and in my humble opinion rather nice & decent poems in a week since the year 2000. Maybe that's why I'm so addicted to depression: cause it's only when the most trying of emotions visit your life that you realize the faintness beauty and the little morale that you have, as compared to the abundance of happiness, maybe even ecstacy prior to your suffering -- which is, for me, a very beautiful topic or point of inspiration to write about. It's a sick reality that I am, but don't get me wrong... I'd rather have life a lot less complicated than the past week. I've had enough time serving myself as a headless chicken.

2. Trust is a very powerful issue for me. I've realized once again, my capacity of apathy. I am a "once burned, never play with fire" type of person especially if it involves trust. I have a tendency to separate myself so as not to be vulnerable once again. It's one of my time tested defense mechanisms, and even if it has protected me so many times, it has also led me to lose so many friends. Because of this realization, I told myself to just pick up the pieces and learn to do defense in action instead of the defense when everything has been said and done. And above all, I learned to constantly re-evaluate the people you really trust. Not because you doubt them, but because you have to be sensitive to them as well: know if they're ready to take the issue that you will share with them. It's not entirely their fault that they break under pressure, but it's yours as well: because you gave them the butter while their hands were warm.

3. Learning the guitar all over again isn't such a bad idea. My dad's guitar has been my constant companion and "best friend" when I had no one but myself. I'm so proud of regaining my kalyo on my fingertips.... I mean, I lost it after not touching the guitar for over 2 years! But it's there once again, with an unsatiable thirst for more new chords/tabs.

4. Piano is such a beautiful thing. Piano is such a beautiful instrument. Piano is... piano was... piano ever will be. I went to a piano recital this morning, as my former teacher Mrs. Calub requested me to sing for intermission... she actually requested me to play, but I squeezed out of it, and told her that I'd sing instead cause I wouldn't be able to practice anymore. This recital was a very small one, only around 6-8 students played, held in the Assumpta Court instead of the auditorium. And it was such a great recital cause it was the first time that I just had to listen to it, and not play! So I wasn't really as nervous or anything. And sitting there as one of the audience [for the first time ever!], I realized so many things I never realized when I was still studying piano. For one I've never believed my mom when she said that, piano, really relaxes you no matter what especially when the person playing it, no matter how amateur the person playing, is playing the piece with their whole heart, body and mind: you will feel it. Number 2: Mrs. Calub, no matter how eccentric, is still the best piano teacher in the world! Number 3: Piano is really my first love. (I've always had a love affair with it!) And I vow that for the summer, I will play an hour of piano everyday, reviewing my old pieces and even learning new ones.

5. Music is my healer.

6. There are two types of silence: the black silence and the gold silence. In this case, Silence presented itself to me as gold... I like the fact that no one can guess what's in your mind. It's eternally wicked! But mostly, I love the fact that silence makes you stronger. Because of silence, I've learned to speak. I've also gained more experience as to when to assert the golden silence. The golden silence should not be used for the wrong purposes.

7. Even if certain people sting you (both close and those whom you barely know), you will always have a friend or 2 or even 3 that will be behind you. And your family will always be there too.

8. Prayers do wonders. They help you to listen.

9. Perception is reality. Be guided by what you perceive, and perceive by what you are guided with.

10. Despite my problems, even if I think them to be as deep, dark and mysterious as the Marianas Trench, I am still loved by God. Graced and blessed in small doses so I will not forget the beauty and goodness of life.